Richard Lewis manages to find his own chair

The Chair Man

W

HILE attending the Friars Club’s Salute to News Veterans in the Frank Sinatra Dining Room I noticed the chair in front of me had a plaque for George Burns. There are scads of chairs in the Monastery and every one of them has a nameplate—an opportunity for members to support the club and be remembered along the way. There are chairs designated for our "Immortal Friars." Those are the prime seats in which to park your carcass.

With this in mind, I checked to see who I had the honor of resting on during this event–the nameplate said Eddie Chow. Now, I’m sure Eddie is a very nice guy, but he’s no George Burns. I made a note to check the next chair I sit on to see which "Immortal Friar" I’d be bonding with.

At a lunch with Susan Lucci and her husband Helmut Huber, I noticed—discreetly of course—that Susan was seated on Orson Welles while Helmut was lucky enough to meld with Oscar Hammerstein. Wow, I thought, what a coup this table had in the name game. When no one was looking I twisted my head around, Exorcist-style, and quickly read, Don Osmond.

YES! My enthusiasm for hitting a good one lasted until the end of the meal when I got up from the chair only to re-read Ben Ossman. I’m not denying that the word on the street is that Ben is super—but Immortal? I think not! Then again, your eyes are probably rolling over my getting all excited about Donny Osmond, so go figure.

George M. Cohan has had a chair at the Friars since he was Abbot in 1912–you would think I could find it ONCE in 20 years to sit upon

One afternoon as Broadway producer Irv Welzer waved me over to his table, my eagle eyes instantly read George M. Cohan off the back of his chair. As I greeted Irv’s guest, Bernadette Peters, a quick look over her shoulder told me she was seated on Florenz Ziegfeld. I sat down on Al Nussbaum, by the way.

On the way out of the dining room I passed behind comedian Richard Lewis who was in a chair dedicated to Henny Youngman. Figures. I thought at least he’s not sitting on his own chair, which is floating around the room somewhere.

These chairs were becoming my obsession. I found myself making a daily appearance in the dining room during lunch, wandering among the members and their guests. I glared at them for having randomly chosen George Jessel, Phil Silvers and President Woodrow Wilson.

Henny Youngman always had his own chair to sit on when he would ask, "Show me a table by a waiter!"

The day I almost knocked down Friars Abbot Jerry Lewis to sit on Eddie Cantor was the day I thought it wise to take my therapist’s advice and just let it go.

I resigned myself while seated on Sheldon Jay Streisand that this was the closest I was ever going to get to the real thing. I don’t even bother checking who is sitting on who anymore. Okay that’s partly because Friars president Freddie Roman told me not to. He said I was scaring the members.

In any case, I’ve discovered something better. The Metropolitan Opera has nameplates on the backs of their seats too. I admit I’m not a fan of opera, but Pavarotti here I come!